Responding is a conscious and learned choice. Reactive employees will tend to overreact if feedback is sporadic or only about problems. A habit is merely a reaction that happened the same way so many times it became an automation. In the moments where life truly tests you, this space will come in handy to make sure you make the right decision instead of allowing your emotions to be in the driver’s seat. Decide if you are a highly sensitive person, someone who may be reactive to loud noises, strong smells or excessive stimuli in his environment, according to Susan Biali, M.D. Take inventory of them. For example, you may become agitated in loud, crowded places resulting in you taking your feelings out on others. You get frustrated with the fly that won’t leave you alone. We can apply this in the biggest areas of our life as well. Expose their insecurities. Try to think about what you could have done differently. Notice what sets you off. He loves to get the most out of every day and live life with a smile :) For example, when your cell phone rings – you don’t have to pick it up. What is the opposite of reactive personality traits? Learn from the implementation and repeat . Can you learn to ignore your phone when it rings? Note that this is different than avoidance or non-reactivity. Iceberg. Remember, reacting is automatic and instinctual. Dominance = Attraction. Non-reactive means you’re on an emotional even keel. - Duration: 4:01. How to become less reactive and more emotionally stable, The 4 Levels of Non-Reactivity - Troy Erstling, Stop chasing new customers if you’re neglecting your current ones, When the phone rings take a deep breath before answering – or don’t answer at all and intentionally call back later, When a notification goes off take a deep breath before looking at it – or try not to look at it at all. The first step is to recognize you’ve been hooked by an emotion. View all posts by troygerstling. Instead of immediately calling them out on mistakes, I would wait until a specific part of the day/week and approach them about their performance. You can’t just expect to be mindful when you... 2) Don’t be surprised if your partner is defensive too. It caused a lot of disturbance and stress on the team as a whole. Be non-reactive to people emotionally. Perhaps you noticed or someone kindly pointed out that you react with emotionally intensity to issues that arise. She has worked with children with ADHD, sensory issues and behavioral problems, as well as adults with chronic mental illness. The person who doesn’t react? Take a self-assessment. Being Less Emotionally Reactive (Step 3) Step 3 is in real time and you have to face the emotional reactions as they erupt. Proactive employees represent the other end of the spectrum. When your partner is angry and you respond by being angry right back, it's going to make matters much worse. Try breathing in through your nose slowly for four seconds. Learn how your comment data is processed. So you’re talking to the girl, you’re having fun, you’re being social, you are building some attraction and … You can do this in bigger ways too. Determine if your feelings stem from within you or from external forces. around you. Ask for more information and try to get to what’s behind his or her challenge. (It’s not great for proactive employees, either.) Instead of being emotionally reactive you need to learn to be emotionally responsive. Step 3. Learn to work together. For ESTJs emotions can only get in the … Small mindless reactions lead to larger ones in the most important areas of your life. There was zero latency between noticing an error and pointing it out to them. Change your perception of the situation. The goal here is NOT to become an emotionless robot. Now every time the phone rings or has a notification, you immediately pick up the phone to look at it. Her short stories and articles have appeared in "Grandma's Choice," "Treasure Box" and "Simple Joy." Breathing allows you to calm your nervous system and your fight or flight response, which helps you make a clearer decision. While we don’t want to strive to be a non-reactive emotionless pimp, we can learn from his ability to remain unflustered. Use mindful listening. Iceberg Slim. Didn’t even notice that he nearly died. Reactive abuse vs. mutual abuse According to domesticshelters.org , mutual abuse is when both partners are equally abusive to one another. This may involve reframing how you experience life. He has lived in Argentina, South Korea, India, Malaysia and Brazil while visiting 20 countries. Troy Erstling is an Entrepreneur, Speaker, Writer, World Traveler and overall great dude :) He was previously the Founder of BrainGain.co, a platform connecting people to international work opportunities. We don’t want you to stop reacting to things and allow everything to happen, that’s not the aim. Step 2. You hear this all the time, and for good reason: Breathe. If you are not sure whether you’re overly sensitive, you can take a few steps to assess yourself. For example, I used to be highly reactive with my employees. Understand how your temperament fits or does not fit with your children’s temperament and create strategies to help each other. We saved time and improved productivity due to less distractions and had a happier team. Emotionally sensitive people, as well as those with unresolved emotional conflicts or issues, may experience this on a regular basis until they are able to change their thought processes and behaviors. This article was originally published by Luke Jones at HERO Movement: Proactive Vs Reactive “Reactive people are often affected by their physical … This means instead of being swayed by the winds of external circumstance, you’re anchored into your own lack of emotional reactivity. Stephan Erdman - Authentic Game 4,202 views Imagine that you’re sitting in a park reading a book when a fly circles by your head. It does mean that we have a degree of choice in how we react to difficult and stressful situations. At first, you try to swat at it and get it away from you…but no matter how many times you swat, it keeps circling back. They’re unfuckwithable. Led to less confrontation, more open communication, and less defensiveness. Deep breathing helps calm your emotions and lessens anxiety. He realized that we can take back our choice. Instead of mindlessly reacting, you can catch yourself, breathe in that space for a second, and then choose what you want to do. Breathe in and focus on the scents wafting into your nostrils. They prefer to get things done as efficiently as possible, which often requires leaving emotions out of most situations. Being non-reactive means that you don't get angry, you don't explain, you don't give yourself up. If it is someone you respect, consider talking to her once your emotions are calm. When faced with the decision to react or to choose a different option, while you are still … Copyright © 2020 Leaf Group Ltd., all rights reserved. A gunshot went straight through his top-hat. In a reactive mode, your brain most strongly expresses fear and anger. Try to notice the feeling and stop yourself from automatically reaching for it. Consider talking to a therapist or mental health counselor if you feel depressed. For example the first time a notification came up on your phone you probably wanted to see it, it was interesting. It became your automatic reaction aka habit. Sometimes, the nature and intensity of an emotional reaction stems from an experience in your past that you haven't dealt with, says Hanks. Plant your feet … Biali suggests sleeping at least 7 hours a night, eating a healthy diet, cutting out caffeine and taking down time for yourself on a regular basis to decompress and relax. Reactive people let the ball of life play them rather than playing the ball. The problem with this is that the brain LOVES habits. Cold as ice. Cool, calm, and collected. Notice when you’re picking up your phone out of habit. The person who swats at every small problem that arises. If you feel emotional reactivity around too many things, or too often, or if you think you’re super-sensitive to what you perceive as criticism, even when someone simply doesn’t agree with you, then your ability to move forward, build rewarding relationships, feel joy, and express spontaneity is going to be hijacked. Respect other people and allow them to say what they want, even if it is negative of some kind. We can do this in small ways. My three “pillars” of quality of consciousness are serenity, intelligence, and motivation. Seek professional help for aggressive and violent reactions. They have no power to touch you if you don’t give it to them. When a text message or notification comes in – you don’t have to pick up your phone to look at it. The fly got the best of you and got you to react. We all have a choice. To set the bar on how easy it is to rattle your cage. For example, rather than react by crying, withdrawing or becoming angry over someone else's inconsiderate comment, take a moment or two to reflect on who made the comment, what she knows about you and why she might have said it. So practice grounding exercises like taking a … OR if you do react, pay attention to what that reaction was, and try to curb it for the future. The key first step in this process is halting. We can cultivate an inner-self that remains stable regardless of whatever is happening externally. Practicing mindfulness, being aware and observing your thoughts and feelings in the present moment without judgment, according to the article, "How Mindfulness Can Help You Regulate Emotions," published on the Psych Central website. Alternatively, you may be reacting to external stimuli, such as someone making a hurtful comment. We can independently choose how we react to situations in life. More importantly, we created a culture of stop and think before reacting. The second a fl… Stay Grounded S.I. He was a man in-control of his emotions and thus, his reactions. It loves automating certain things so that you don’t have to think about it. Count to 10. Whether you’re studying Stoicism, Buddhist Meditation, Mindfulness, or simply practicing How to Not Give a Fuck, the underlying principle remains the same – How to become less reactive and more emotionally stable. Eventually you get angry and leave because you can’t take it anymore. "The first thing you need to learn is how to become non-reactive. The next time you feel an itch somewhere on your body – don’t scratch it. // Leaf Group Lifestyle, How to Write a Letter to Someone Who Has Betrayed You, Psych Central: How Mindfulness Can Help You Regulate Emotions, HelpGuide.org: Improving Emotional Health, Psychology Today: Top 10 Survival Tips For the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). Close your eyes, take some breathes, recenter yourself so other people’s shit is not causing you to react or attrain to the emotion they are experiencing. One day someone started shooting at a bar. This doesn’t mean repressing emotions or being robotic and unemotional. Notice yourself when you’re in a similar situation and intentionally try to implement your new technique. The problem with this is that it would disrupt their day. However, when infused with mindfulness and careful re-conditioning it is possible to come to a place of non-reaction… Dating Concepts Breakdown! What I mean by dominance is being a strong, decisive and always a respectful person. I knew that my interruptions were hurting their productivity. Learn how to stop being emotionally reactive: Improve your relationships, learn how to be vulnerable, and quit letting anxiety/anger/shame control your life! He didn’t move a muscle. Nothing can startle them. You know that it has no bearing on you. Determine if your feelings stem from within you or from external forces. If you’re dealing with a difficult individual, try to put yourself in the challenging person’s shoes, even … Part of serenity is learning (and remembering) to be emotionally non-reactive. In other words, you don’t have a choice and an automation took its place. Send messages to your children that help them to appreciate their unique being and help them to feel good about who … Carry a crystal or object in your pocket and touch it whenever you feel triggered. Here are some easy exercises I like to run that train you to be less reactive in your day to day life: If nothing else, try to cultivate awareness of your blind reactions. All of your experiences, from early childhood to adolescence and into adulthood have molded you into the reactive (or non-reactive) person that you are today. There’s a feeling that comes along when you’ve been hooked, caught, or activated by an emotional pattern. When someone annoys you at work, instead of immediately reacting you can write it down and discuss it at a later point in time. Some tips to support you to be less reactive Think about responding rather than reacting. *This is the emotionally reactive person. Circles of Concern and Influence. Focus on wholeheartedly accepting the situation as it is, which lessens the emotional reaction. In this sense it can allow people to maintain boundaries, psychic integrity and avoid undesired impact by or upon others, related to emotional demands. Tell yourself that you’re not the victim of circumstances, and you can choose how to respond when things don’t go your way. This first step is the hardest. Take a breath. Now it’s your responsibility to take back the choice of how you want to react. Hold … Then repeat this process over and over until we establish new ways of responding to difficult situations. I recently read a book called “Pimp” by Iceberg Slim – hell of a name, right? in her article, "Top 10 Survival Tips For the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)," published on the Psychology Today website. Sometimes, it can appear to be analytical thinking. Back away from an escalating conflict. Here are some easy exercises I like to run that train you to be less reactive in your day to day life: When the phone rings take a deep breath before answering – or don’t answer at all and intentionally call back later; When a notification goes off take a deep breath before looking at it – or try not to look at it at all Here are some techniques: Notice your feet touching the ground; how does it feel? Instead, the goal of these practices is to be aware of and in control of your reactions. For example instead of immediately reacting to a notification on your phone, pause, take a deep breath, and then decide if it’s important or not. Many survivors often ask themselves if they are abusive too because of how they react, but the truth is that mutual abuse is very rare and many experts don’t believe it exists . To be less emotionally reactive entails arming yourself with strategies to react, but not be reactive. The problem is that while these small reactions/habits seem innocent, they can ripple over and cause gross over-reactivity and mindless decision making in other areas of your life. Re-reading Covey’s chapter on being proactive convicted me because it allowed me to see that I have a lot of work to do on being a less reactive man. How to Be Less Reactive to People Emotionally Step 1. Give yourself as much time as you need before responding. Senator from California who observed that we live in two worlds: one of first-hand experience and the other of verbal description. Breathe before responding. To be as Steven Covey says, “Response-able” or “able to control our responses”. Becoming in tune with your own needs can help you to be less emotionally reactive to others. Sometimes it takes getting pissed off to see “ah, that’s how I react when I’m angry.”. When moving from sitting>standing, try to take a conscious deep breath before you stand up, or vice versa in opposite standing>sitting. Emotional thinking is thinking driven by emotions like anger, fear, greed or aversion. Karen Kleinschmidt has been writing since 2007. Buy yourself a millisecond of time before you react. Good luck on your journey, may you be stable and unfuckwithable. How to cultivate a healthy indifference. Resist the urge to react or take immediate control. The ability to and the manner in which you handle your emotions is strongly tied to your overall emotional health and psychological well-being, according to HelpGuide.org. Tips to stay Non-Reactive at Holiday Time: – Take deep centering breathes. Unfortunately, many people spend much of their time in the reactive mode. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. In contrast, when you feel safe and not threatened, your brain’s reactive system is calm, soothed. The next time you can work on catching yourself in your anger and making a conscious decision instead. It’s become a habit. The ability to control how you react to difficult situations is the most important skill to cultivate in life. Emotional detachment in this sense is a decision to avoid engaging emotional connections, rather than an inability or difficulty in doing so, typically for personal, social, or other reasons. This habit of pausing before blindly reacting is important because it creates SPACE between the stimuli and the reaction. It had a wonderful result. The best way of describing non-reactive is that nothing is a big deal, nothing is a problem. Get Back Into Your Body. We created a time and a place to discuss errors and mistakes, instead of immediately calling them out and creating an interruption. He simply sat there and sipped his drink. If you can’t control your small reactions, there’s a small chance you’ll be able to control yourself when faced with larger ones. This can help you to gain control of your emotions and react less to others in this manner. Mindfulness can help to reduce distressing emotions and pressures associated with emotional reactivity. Instead of blindly reacting we stopped, thought about a proper way to act, and then implemented that action. I needed an alternative system. Then after repeating this habit 10 more times with the same reaction, your brain started to create a script for you to follow. We can train ourselves to notice our automatic reactions, pause when they happen, and choose a more appropriate response. By training ourselves NOT TO REACT to small things (notifications, calls, messages, itches, annoyances), we can then train ourselves to be more mindful when the big challenges do arise. Reply to your emails based on urgency rather than FIFO? Look at the colors, movements, shadows, textures, etc. You may find that once you have assessed the situation, you realize you don't feel it necessary to give an emotional response. ESTJs try not to be emotionally reactive people and would rather focus on practical things. Hayakawa was a perceptive writer and U.S. Notice when something grabbed your attention, or when you handled a tough conversation badly, or when you offended someone accidentally, and take mental note of how you reacted. Kleinschmidt holds a Bachelor of Arts in psychology from Montclair State University. Step 1: Recognize You’re Emotionally Hooked. Take inventory of your blind reactions, cultivate a mindful discipline to understand the circumstances that give rise to them, and diligently work to create newer, healthier reactive patterns. Follow these simple rules when you feel challenged by your partner: Calm down inside and get centered. If you’re in a heated situation of some kind where you’re more likely to be emotionally volatile, try to notice your feelings before you react. Know how he came across it? Narcissists are deathly afraid of being exposed or that other people will … As long as you are reacting to Douglas with your own controlling behavior, nothing will change. Feel your emotions and take a step back from the situation to look at it from the outside. Chödrön calls this “shenpa,” which is usually translated as “attachment.” Shenpa underlies all emotions. OR Before answering the phone, take a deep breath and smile first. You took the bait. If reactions are involuntary (meaning you react automatically and without forward thinking), then the result your reactions will always be the same kind of response. One way is to take a questionnaire, such as the one from The Emotionally Sensitive Person available at PsychCentral. Let’s revisit that conversation: 1) Pause, take a breath and get centered. When things happen, someone gets upset, etc, come back to you. Every time I sent a message like this, I distracted them from the work that they needed to do. Read a text message and not immediately reply? Can You Really Attract Women By Being "Non Reactive"? If a new email comes in – it doesn’t have to be the first one that you respond to. If it is someone who doesn't know you well, try to let the comment go without another thought. These questions can help you reflect on … Notice what sets you off. An ability to choose how we want to react to a given stimuli or situation. There may be discussion and facts may be looked at, but in the end the decision is made based on reaction to … If I saw that they made errors in a project, I would immediately send them a message or give them a phone call. The unpleasant emotions are fast, challenging to become aware of and the emotional pull can be intense. Tell your partner you are interested in how he or she is feeling and needing. Change your daily habits little by little, if you are highly sensitive. You can familiarize yourself with the feelings associated so you can anticipate the storm or feel it brewing inside of you. To try something new, I started to keep a list of errors that I noticed throughout the day/week.